Category Archives: Contemplations

Wishes and preferences

November 9, 2015A mother's diary, Contemplations, Writingvica

Last Saturday, I had my own personal epiphany about wishes and preferences.

When I am at my low, as it was past Saturday morning, then I happen to have an idea that none of my wishes come true.

But this is of course not true at all. Now, that I think of it, many of my wishes I had so far did come true. Especially big ones, like having a family. We did wait (and fret) six years (especially the last several of those) for our first child to be born. Then Niklas was born.

Yes, my wishes do come true. Although not often according to my preferences.

Um, if I am honest, never according to my preferences. This is, I guess, the nature of preferences. They are too multiple to fit them all. Something is always amiss, according to my brain. And probably to yours as well.

Let me illustrate a few of my wishes.

My husband’s and my second biggest dream was to own a house. But when I became pregnant with Niklas we said, “No, not with the first child in my belly and not right after his birth. That would be too much.”

So, a few years after his birth and no other child coming (we thought, “That was it, one time wonder.”) we bought a place for our house to stay on.

And about a month or even less after signing the contract of land purchase, yes, you guessed it correctly, I found out that I was pregnant for the second time.

Technically, our second big wish came exactly as we wished. To buy and build a house but not around our first child’s birth. We didn’t make any exact wishes about the time for our second child to be born.

Next wish. Early last year I kept thinking, “That would be really great to write during daytime and not only in the evenings.”

And there I was, I could write during the daytime. With my work contract about to finish and a fast growing belly, but I had a month or two before my maternity leave on which I could write during the daytime. Again, not as my preferences would be, but still, the wish came true.

During the last year I got more and more curious about being an author entrepreneur. First, I thought, “I’ll be a full time writer and own a writing business when I retire.” Then I changed my mind. “No, I want it to happen earlier, but when my books are doing better and we paid off the mortgage.”

And guess what happened. You probably know if you follow this blog. The life was again full of surprises. Being an author entrepreneur and freelancer seems like the best solution in the current circumstances. In order for us to earn enough for living, I needed to jump into quite cold water. This new and unknown for me waters are somewhat freezing, but I must admit, the work I do now as a writer and freelancer, writing on one side and figuring out what is my next move on another, is fun.

Then this past Saturday I have received another illustration of wishes versus preferences.

As I said above, I was on one of my lows. Physically because of a not so pleasant cold (right after reading what it means for a freelancer to be ill and that you can’t just stay in bed if you have a headache and a badly sore throat). And psychologically, because there is always this financial pressure and as a newly baked freelancer I am simply fretting about the money, especially when such a low comes.

Plus on this morning my son Niklas refused to help me to put on breakfast table. He wanted to watch his favourite films on YouTube.

“Nothing unusual here,” you might say. We all know such reactions, also from our own childhoods.

But somehow, on that morning, I exploded. I got angry and told Niklas so. And the fact that I got angry put me further down still. For me this was a certificate of my failure. Not only my business doesn’t run as I would prefer, and I don’t manage the household as I should (according to my slightly unrealistic standards), my child doesn’t listen to me, and I can’t keep my tempter at bay!

So, when Niklas finally showed up at the kitchen table, I had my face in my hands and I cried. The chair opposite of mine screeched the floor and I looked up. Niklas looked surprised. Then he smiled and gave a little giggle. He seemed not to know what to do in such a situation.

“Oh, mouse,” I sniffed. “You don’t know how it looks when Mama cries.” I wiped my tears away with my fingers. “I simply have a feeling that nothing is working.” I gave out a big sigh.

“Me too!” Niklas smiled and loudly breathed in an out. “I also think that nothing is working.”

My thought generation machine spitted out into my consciousness, “Oh great! I wanted him to say ‘Everything will be OK.’ And what does he do instead?”

But there was something in Niklas that made me listen to him attentively. His smile. Pure, childish and honest.

What he said right after, simply made my day. Without blink of an eye, Niklas kept his gaze into my eyes and said, “I want to be agreeable with you, Mama. Always!”

And that was when I had this epiphany about wishes and preferences. I realized that I always wanted to be supported in my ideas. This is what my son did, right then. He said, that he supports me and agrees with me.

He couldn’t have known that I said something I didn’t mean. I never made it clear to him, which of my ideas I wanted to be supported and which not.

The fact is, my son supported me and wanted to stay supportive. “Always” as he proudly said.

His face and this light bulb realization made me understand that wishes do come true and quite often.

Even if they don’t come true exactly as preferred, and even if there is always something still to wish for.

Well, then there is always room for another wish.

And there is always a way for it to come true.

Isn’t it wonderful to know, that as for anything else, this world is endless, including our ability to wish and realize those wishes?

Picture: Niklas and one of his fulfilled wishes, the day when he was officially named a Ninja in his favourite toy store in Aalborg.

I don’t know, I never tried

October 28, 2015Contemplations, Favorite jokes, Writingvica

Here is one of my all time favourites in jokes.

A man is asked, “Can you play violin?”
His answer, “I don’t know. I never tried.”

I’ve heard this joke many, many years ago in Moldova. Over the years I had various opinions of what kind of person this man might have been. Stupid, arrogant, ignorant, etc.

I belonged to the majority giving the following answer to the question above. “No, I can’t.” Even if I never tried.

You might argue that it is hard to play violin and without trying there is simply no way to be able to play it.

“This is just like flying an airplane,” you might say. “You have to learn and try under supervision in order to be able to say, you can.”

And I agree with you.

The problem here, is that I have extended this understanding, of not being able to do something without trying, to almost everything. And this seeming disability was somehow absolute to me.

I have put myself many times into many kinds of boxes.

“I am not a good leader,” I said.

“I am not a good listener.”

“I am not good with cooking.”

“I hate cleaning.”

“I am not patient.”

“I am not good at writing.” And many other in this manner.

So I’ve been always surprised when peoples said, “You’re a good manager.”

“Thank you that I could tell you all that.”

“Mm, this tastes good.”

“Wow, it’s never been so clean here before.”

“I admire you how calm you remained through what happened.”

“I love the way you write.”

I was flattered, but often I didn’t believe these statements.

But looking at the last few years and the things I have dared, which I would never believe doing before, makes me wonder whether it is worth trying before saying, “I can’t do that”.

You’ve probably noticed that I am daring something big now, being an author entrepreneur, where the main language of my business in not my mother tongue.

And when the fear inside me asks, “Are you sure you can do this?”

I take a deep breath, let the air out and say, “I don’t know. I never tried. But I am about to find out.”

Here is to your darings, dear friends!

Picture: This is someone, who’s not afraid to try. My sweet daughter, Emma.

An ode to my friends

September 8, 2015A mother's diary, Callouts and thanks, Contemplations, Favorite quotesvica

This week’s post is a very short one. A wonderful and inspiring quote about friendship and a great thanks to all who support me and reach out to me. I love and cherish our friendship! Hugs to all of you from Denmark.

Here is the quote as I found it in German:

“Der beste Weg, einen Freund zu haben, ist der, selbst einer zu sein.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Interpretation:

“The best way to make a friend is to be one for others.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pictures: selfies with two of my truest and most honest best friends — my children, Emma and Niklas. They are like my little mirrors. Most beautiful mirrors. If there is an upset to see in them, most probably there is one in me. And if I smile, they smile too. My family and my friends are the best motivators and reasons to smile and enjoy life as much as possible.

Why do I need to write?

August 31, 2015Books I write, Contemplations, Crazy ideas, Discoveries, Favorite quotesvica

In one of the posts on The Kill Zone blog, when asked for the reason to write, I answered in the comments that I write because I need to release the stories looming in my head.

This is true.

But there are also more straightforward, simpler reasons for this.

One of them is that I just simply need this.

I need to write.

I liked how J.K. Rowling has put it in her interview with Oprah Winfrey. She said that writing kept her sane. In a similar way, Lady Gaga described how her creativity in songwriting and costume design didn’t let her go completely crazy.

I quote both of them from memory, but I guess this applies to everyone. We all need a bit of creativity every day. Whether it is a drawing with one circle two dots and four lines symbolizing ourselves, when we are young, or when a programmer composes a new and simple algorithm for a complex problem.

We all need something to keep us sane. We need that glimpse of light that appears inside us when we have just created or discovered something beautiful and exciting. This pulse of light comes much earlier than the appreciation by others we all strive for, even if we are not doing art professionally.

There is this genuine self-appreciation, completely lacking arrogance. It might be a sigh with a smile, it might be a nod. It might be completely invisible to someone else watching. But it is there.

We often ignore it, because we don’t think it is important. We think the others, whether family, friends or strangers, can evaluate us and what we do best.

But do we really need external evaluation to live our lives to the full? We do strive for the positive one. But do we need it?

I don’t know. I am not quite sure we do. In spite of all the striving.

Sometimes we think we need something, like a new peace of furniture, a new scarf, a new note-book for writing, a new book to read, another cup of espresso with dark chocolate on the side to savor.

You guessed correctly, all of these and many more do appear in my thoughts lately, some of them regularly and with exponentially ascending intensity, where the last three share the second top position on my “What do I need to survive?” list after my family.

But today I had an epiphany. I might have had it before or I might have even read it somewhere written by someone else (probably many times in many different ways) and forgot afterwards. I will probably forget it and have it appear as an experience again, when I most need it. Just like today.

So here it goes.

We all need to create or discover something new every day.

Even freshly cleaned house can be set into this category. Because when you unclutter your home, find new ways to arrange things, dust and vacuum or wipe the floors inside and then look around, you might think that it looks like a new place. This happened to me on Saturday, when after four hours work I finished laundry and cleaning our house. Our new house looked even newer and cosier then.

There are many possible ways to be creative. And there are many new to discover. Writing is still my favourite.

I am sure you have also experienced such glimpses of creativity and the pleasant feeling inside during the process and right upon completion of a creative activity.

Such a feeling of appreciation to be able to create something new is sparkling for me also right now, in this moment, as I am finishing this post.

Wishing you many creative, sparkling moments! Every day!

Picture: There are many necessary ingredients to feed our creativity. Beauty is one of them. Here you can see our orchids — glamorous but unpretentious beauties in our living room.

Summer impressions

August 25, 2015A mother's diary, Contemplations, Memories, True Storyvica

You might not have noticed but I was away for two weeks with my family. We visited my parents- and my grandparents-in-law in Germany. We all had a wonderful time.

It makes me smile as I see reactions on most people’s faces when I mention my parents-in-law. It is amazing how the prejudices against in-laws are ingrained into the cultures we grew up in. All those fairy tales and jokes about the awful mother-in-law.

I love seeing how the faces relax when I tell them how much I like my in-laws and that my mother-in-law is one of my best friends.

My family and I try to spend Christmas every year with my parents-in-law as well as the whole of my husband’s family. And we love spending our summer holidays with them. Every time we spend time with them we tank energy and good mood.

Also this summer we had very colourful and wonderful holidays including three celebrations on my Mom’s-in-law birthday.

Here are some impressions from our vacation.

We …