Category Archives: Contemplations

Questions and answers

I sometimes look through the collection of quotes I gathered in many notebooks and on scraps of paper. The following caught my eye today:

“The value of the question depends on the answer.”

I heard it at an IT conference in London, in June 2008. I don’t remember who said it, but I remember hurrying to write it down on a folded paper sheet of the hotel hosting the event.

I am often nervous to put a question. If questioning goes easily, that is, if the answering person gives me a feeling that I have put a good question, then I tend to “over-question” and bombard the others with questions. This is followed by feeling resistance of those who answer and my consequential withdrawing from putting questions. And then again from the beginning.

Contemplation about this quote made me conclude that persons, whom I valued most in the past and those I value today, made and make my questions meaningful by their answers. They made and make me feel that what I said and say matters.

My father was the most prominent in this array of my personal heroes. He was a true listener. And I loved going with questions to him. His answers were always extensive and given without hurry. But also to the point. He had an instinct how much answer was needed.

When I think of those I know and interact with today, my niece and my son are the first who come to my mind, who find my questions intriguing and make me feel good upon asking them. And I love the fact that both of them are much younger than me. I learn a lot from these two sweet people. They do laugh sometimes at what I say, but I notice again and again how they stop and contemplate upon the questions I put. My son has not lost yet the ability to find everything new and worth considering. And my niece, in her mid-twenties, has kept it. While observing, listening and learning from them, I am rediscovering my ability to do the same.

And here is a quote, I discovered in German and translated into English, so, it might not be identical with the original. It confirms that children and young people might be ones of the wisest among us. Because of their ability to make experiences and to wonder.

“Die Weisheit eines Menschen misst man nicht nach seinen Erfahrungen, sondern nach seiner Fähigkeit, Erhafungen zu machen“.

“Human wisdom is not measured by a person’s experiences, but by his ability to experience.” George Bernard Shaw.

Picture: My father (the first from the right) with his students at the University of Annaba, in Algeria (around 1980). Students loved him. My guess, also due to his answers and his ability to discover and to experience the brilliance of the others.

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Various kinds of greed

Greed is not an instinct. We learn it early when our peers are interested in our toys and when the objects of our desire are not reachable immediately. So as soon as we get them we make sure not to give them away. Our second or third word is “Mine!”

My Mom told me a sweet story illustrating my greed when I was a child. I just got a tricycle as a present. I loved going with it in the yard of our block of flats. And I was sure not to give it to anyone. It was mine and I had to guard it as anything else I owned. My mother tried to convince me to share the tricycle with my friends. And I did share it. One of my friends had it for the whole meter or two. After that I stopped her and said: “You had enough. Give it back.”

As many adults with families, I started to value time and experiences more than things. Even books I love most – and I am a book worm, I must say – are not kept but given further. I love sharing them with friends and family.

So, I thought that valuing things less made me less affected by greed. Yesterday I proved myself wrong.

As anyone else, I have some tasks, which I push away from me and I procrastinate. One of these tasks was attracting my attention again and again, and I made a few starting attempts. I also tried to ignore it, to say “I don’t have to do it”, or “I would do something else instead”. But nothing helped. I had to do it. And in fact, I wanted to do it. It just took longer to see the results.

So, I decided to be kind to myself, to motivate myself and do very small steps. First arrange things into groups, then see how they feet, rearrange where necessary, and add missing pieces. Then adjust and finish.

It took me more than half a day yesterday to restart and finish the task. So, I had a few breaks for my family, for meals and housework in-between. For the things like ironing.

I like to iron clothes. Not every time. But many times I do. Yesterday, I couldn’t. I knew there was not much to finish the task, I started, and that I would manage it. This was not what was bothering me.

My thoughts were going again and again to the other tasks I pushed away. I wasn’t in the moment. I was thinking what I would do to accomplish them. The complexity I saw in them was reappearing. Besides, I couldn’t do them in that particular moment anyway. I was ironing! However, I still couldn’t stop thinking about these “heavy tasks”.

But why? Why was I striving for heavy tasks? Why wasn’t I enjoying the activity, which made me see the results immediately and which brought me often satisfaction and relaxation?

The answer was both surprising and simple. I wanted more. I wanted more of this good feeling of accomplishing and completing a difficult task. I couldn’t get enough. I wanted all and I wanted all in that moment. I thought of all the tasks I classified as difficult and I wanted to work on all of them at the same time.

As soon as I heard “I want more!” in my head, I had to smile. I was greedy! And strangely enough this realization didn’t make me ashamed or angry. Why should it? This feeling went away as soon as I smiled. I could breathe more freely again. And I finished ironing enjoying this activity again.

Greed is not an instinct, but it is natural to us, whatever the age. We can strive for things, experiences, smiles of others, joy and love we bring to and receive from others. Desire moves us forward, greed squeezes us and makes us unmovable. But it is also a helping indicator that we are off center and that we strive for something, which does us no good. And as soon as we notice the child in ourselves crying: “But I want it! I want more!” we can smile and come back to the wonderful place of the moment of now and see how wealthy we are, having family and friends, having activities which bring us joy and wealthy by simply being alive.

Picture: Strangely enough I wasn’t that eager to keep the toy in this picture. I was angry with the studio photographer, who took this picture, and have thrown the toy at him.

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Once, when I overcame procrastination, I wrote this:

Write, write, and write. This is what I often, very often, want to do. But almost as often, I pull the breaks, whatever the reason. Maybe, the main one is that I don’t always recognize writing as my heart’s desire – which it is – and start discussing in my head other things being more important and more valuable. Also in respect to what I write, I discuss as well.

What I didn’t do so often, until now, is just scribble. My writing always had to have a purpose. Just recently, I had an idea that it must be positive or done with a positive attitude.

And in this moment, I discover that just scribbling, without any specific purpose, feels so nice and relaxing. Who knows, if I will ever use it or publish some words of it or not. But movement of my pen creating words on paper feels so good that I wish myself to experience these tiny but immensely sweet moments again and again. Just wonderful!

P.S. And now I press “Publish”. 😉

Picture: relaxed in the Troll Forest close to Aalborg.

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Power of word combinations

Words have certain power. They can motivate, they can hurt, and they can provide comfort. But only when they are set in certain chains, combined in certain special way.

We can hear wise words and agree with them. Some of the sentences and phrases we hear touch our hearts deep within. These words combinations stay with us and help us immensely.

Here is a bouquet of words I discovered yesterday, and which made me see the things I heard and realized before, in completely new light.

“Seeking strokes puts others in an awkward position, so if you do it, stop. Pause regularly and take pride in all your hard work as you go along. Then move on.” Christina Katz in “The Writer’s Workout”

We all search for praise. I’ve caught myself many times imagining how other people would praise me for what I have accomplished. And I worried and was disappointed if people didn’t praise me the way I imagined it. Then I thought I wasn’t good enough. But I forgot to realize that many people were often busy seeking for their own pat. They looked for appreciation as much as I did. And all those worries stopped me to continue doing what I had to, even if it was something I really enjoyed to do.

The wonderful sentences by Christina Katz provided me with a sweet and helpful mantra: “Take pride in your work. Then move on.”

During the last two days, I noticed several times how I wanted to fish for compliments and appreciation. Then I smiled, took pride in what I did, and moved on. This moving on included appreciating my loved ones and other people around me.

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Courage to keep on track

I promised to share my writing experience with you here in my blog. I must admit that I was afraid that as an unpublished author I had nothing to say. Two things helped me to overcome this fear.

The first was that by sharing my experience while I am gathering it, I could help my fellow authors, who go through the same at this very time, who are in the same boat with me, even though an ocean might be separating us, to feel understood and not alone.

And the second was a wonderful post, among many other inspirational posts by my friend and author, Menna van Praag on courage. She opened this post with the following sentece: “Courage is vital to living a fulfilling life & fulfilling your dreams”.

So, I decided to take some courage and to tell you what I wanted to tell.

My post today is about staying on track. You will see in a moment how this is connected to writing a novel.

In the last few days, I started to re-write my first novel.

I’ve edited various snippets here and there on different occasions, but now I came to the beginning.

One of the critique points and advices coming again and again, among other by Menna, and by my niece and best friend, Mihaela, as well as numerous books on creative writing, is to make the main theme, the main goal of the protagonist visible on every page, starting with the first paragraph, through every scene and until the very END.

The protagonist of my novel is based on my father. And the novel about his quest to find his family, which he lost as a child.

A thought struck me: I couldn’t possibly write the same sentence on every page : “I want to find my family”. The hints to this main thread had to be more subtle.

When I started to think of separate scenes and immersed myself into the words I have put on page in the first draft, the solutions appeared almost by themselves.

In the prologue, when Misha, my protagonist, was a child, rescued by a stranger, the solution was very simple. I just had to make him exclaim: “I want to my Mommy and Daddy!” or to ask “Are we going to my Mommy and Daddy?”

But in the first chapter he is in his twenties and the thought process is more sophisticated at this age. And above that, thoughts are not enough. As Menna told me after reading the first three pages of this chapter, I needed “to balance the internal story with some external action”.

So, I took time and put myself into the same room with my protagonist.

I asked him: “What could be there, or what should happen to make you think, yet again, about searching for your family and not pay attention to what was happening in this room?”

And then I saw it. It was a letter addressed to my protagonist from a person and a group of people, who devoted their time to bring families together, who lost each other during World War II.

Just before the start of the book, my protagonist wrote to them to help him with his search. And this letter might have had some news about his family.

This person, real by the way, or rather her letters appear later in the novel as well.

The funny thing is, this letter, in this scene, appeared so naturally. And there was no doubt about it. I shared this idea with my niece, and she said: “Yes, this is it!”

But how do such obvious and yet sometimes unbelievable answers come to a writer. Is there a clue?

I found the answer when I recalled what I was doing when I found the solutions.

What I did was the following. I joined the characters inside their scenes, inside the setting and I just was there. I listened, I watched. I let my imagination flow without stopping it, without analyzing it. And there was only one way it went. The way toward that best solution.

If we try to analyze it, then this probably sounds pretty weird. Just be there. What kind of answer is that?

But this is all I can say and it is as simple as it sounds. Visualizing the setting, getting the situation in front of my eyes, seeing this child craving for his parents, later seeing this adult in his twenties, starting out to find his family, all on his own. This helped me.

I was there, I was aware.

And just as happy coincidence wants it, I have discovered yesterday another wonderful quote in the blog The Kill Zone, posted by James Scott Bell, titled “Writing Wisdom From An Old Pro“, where he brought the following quote by a Hollywood screenwriter, Wells Root:

“A story maker’s urgent priority should be awareness.
A writer is always in his working clothes.”

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Picture: Staying on track in Alps, 2007.